just another schizo attack…

•March 25, 2008 • Leave a Comment

i went home early today after work…instead of getting out at 730am, i logged out of the office an hour early to go home. i decided to drop by our friendly convenience store to buy stuffs and breakfast.

as soon as i get home i switched on the TV and tuned in to HBO…heck, Music and Lyrics is being shown again. i remember seeing this on TV yesterday while i’m preparing to go back to Manila for work. so i sat in front of the tv, and watched the movie while eating breakfast.
i finished breakfast before the movie ended so i laid back and continued watching (yep, i lie down right after a meal..hehhe). so i was in the part where the movie’s about to end…specifically at the part where Alex (Hugh Grant) is singing a song he composed overnight for Sophie (Drew Barrymore). I love the song so much…and just the thought of a guy writing a song to his beloved brings tears to my eyes…and whoa, i indeed found myself teary-eyed…geesh, i am such a cry baby. maybe i just felt like being in Sophie’s shoes and the song really touched my heart.

DON’T WRITE ME OFF
It’s never been easy for me

To find words to go along, with a melody
But this time there’s actually something, on my mind
So please forgive these few brief awkward lines

Since I’ve met you, my whole life has changed
It’s not just my furniture, you’ve rearranged
I was living in the past, but somehow you’ve brought me back
And I haven’t felt like this since before Frankie said relax

And while I know, based on my track record
I might not seem like the safest bet
All I’m asking you,
is don’t write me off, just yet

For years I’ve been telling myself, the same old story
That I’m happy to live off my so called, former glories
But you’ve given me a reason, to take another chance
Now I need you, despite the fact, that you’ve killed all my plants
And though I know, I’ve already blown more chances
Than anyone should ever get
All I’m asking you, is don’t write me off, just yet
Don’t write me off just yet

i was laughing at myself after the song…i sat up and continued watching while finishing my cup of coffee. then the part where the song “Way back into Love” is being sung by Cora (sexy singer) and Alex. Again, i found myself teary-eyed…i tried so hard to stop myself from crying…i even felt my jaws getting numbed from trying to resist the urge, but well, what can i say…my tears just started falling. i felt like singing the song myself…felt like, i wrote each single word in the song. i dunno what’s happening to me but i can definitely relate with the song.

WAY BACK INTO LOVE

I’ve been living with a shadow overhead
I’ve been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I’ve been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past, I just can’t seem to move on

I’ve been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need them again someday
I’ve been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind

All I wanna do is find a way back into love
I can’t make it through without a way back into love
Oh oh oh

I’ve been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I’ve been searching but I just don’t see the signs
I know that it’s out there
There’s gotta be something for my soul somewhere

I’ve been looking for someone to shed some light
Not somebody just to get me through the night
I could use some direction
And I’m open to your suggestions

All I wanna do is find a way back into love
I can’t make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I’m hoping you’ll be there for me in the end

There are moments when I don’t know if it’s real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation

All I wanna do is find a way back into love
I can’t make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart to you I’m hoping you’ll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I’ll be there for you in the end

(sighs)

i must admit that somehow, i lost trust in LOVE. or should i say, i lost trust in myself when it comes to LOVE. I came to a point where i started asking myself if i really know how to LOVE because, each time i’d try to love, things get messed up…my life gets messed up. and in the end, i’ll be left with nothing but a wounded heart…more scarred than ever…more hurt than ever.

i even told myself to remember to stop once i feel i am beginning to love a person because i started to believe that love only complicates things. once you love, you expect…then you get hurt. i know one shouldnt expect, but we’re just humans…we dont expect much (well, in my case) but at least expect that we’d be loved back…or maybe appreciated and not being taken for granted. sometimes we tend to think that it is love that we’re feeling…only to find out that it’s not…maybe we get tired of waiting for love to come to us that we oftentimes end up just trying to convince ourselves that we are indeed in love. but we are not.

we are all waiting for true love to happen…or at least find us. like everybody else out there, we know we are capable of loving someone, but we aren’t given any fair chance to be loved back. i came to a point where i denied its existence…i locked my heart and threw the key away, but who am i try to fool here? At the back of my mind, i am still hoping for that someone to get the key and open up my heart again…and this time, try so hard not to break it but to hold it in his hands carefully…cherishing every moment with it and loving it with all his might.

(sighs)

what’s happening to me? i’m being too melodramatic these past few days that even a tv commercial can bring me to tears…LOL. pathetic, i know…maybe it’s because my birth month is getting near again…and you know what happens to people who gets a year older, sometimes they get too sensitive and dumb. hehheh

oh well…it’s just me. the silly, getting-old me getting schizo attacks every now and then.

(sighs)

(time to change to my other self)

so now, let’s talk about makeup…let’s go to my other blog then…hahhaha

crazy…

•March 17, 2008 • Leave a Comment

yep…i am going crazy over something that’s not worth it.  and yet, i feel like i’m losing it…and it drives me mad!

 can somebody hit me on the head, really hard!?

one time only…

•March 13, 2008 • Leave a Comment

why?

this would always be her one-word question each time she’ll have her heart (or dignity) broken.  she would ask herself this over and over again trying to find an answer for why she’s being treated like trash by some people.

well…i can say that she’s one of a kind woman.  she has a career which pays her well, she can buy things she want for herself and for her family.  she’s great to be with, oftentimes misunderstood to be a snob but in reality she’s a good person inside-out.  she does have some flaws too but she tries so hard to make up for it. 

but how come she’d been meeting the wrong people most of the time?  oftentimes, she get’s abused and taken for granted by these people she trusts.  one flaw that she can’t really get rid of is her being so-trusting (or gullible perhaps might be a better word) that a little affection will make her knees melt and feel like she’s really liked, and worst, loved.

not too long ago, she met someone and right there and then, she knew that they are mutually attracted to each other, or perhaps that was just a make-believe.  later on, they had a chance to go out…he treated her well, he was sweet and very attentive to her needs.  he held her hands, kissed and hugged her.  the experience was like all new to her, not because she never had a boyfriend but because it’s been so long since she was treated like a princess.

so again, she trusted somebody. she trusted him…everything was like magic.  they clicked instantly…it was like they knew each other for so long that they are comfortable with each other right away.  she let go of her fears…her reservations…and again she thought that might be her chance to be happy again.

and again, she was wrong. after that night, it’s as if nothing special happened.  and now, she’s again broken…hurt…scared more than ever.  i told her why not ask herself what she’s been doing wrong…maybe she’s at fault too.  maybe she trusts people too much that she’s willing to give everything to somebody she just met.  i know she’s one person who deserves to be loved and treated like a queen, but it makes her weak.  it makes her believe anybody who treats her nice and yet dumps her like hot potato after.

she needs to respect and love herself first…that’s the only way she’ll get to know what she’s worth…so no one will ever take her for granted or abuse her again.

perhaps, that will  be the time that she’ll no longer be a “one-time” or “one-nighter” only type of girl.

real friend or not?

•February 18, 2008 • Leave a Comment

sometimes don’t you just wonder if somebody who claims to be your friend is a real friend?  but in reality, they do a lot of talking behind your back. 

you depend on them when you feel so down, but you’ve no idea that they are exactly the same people who pull you down.  they would act as if they are trying to lift up your spirits…but when you are not around, they would tell other people how stupid and idiot you are.

you forgive them when they do you bad things…but they are the ones who hold grudges against you.  you think they agree with you, but the fact is, they laugh at you for having such ideas and opinions. 

why are there people like them?  if they don’t like you in the first place, why be friends with you?

this i’ve been asking myself for quite some time now…until i remember the saying “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”

hmmm…

same old..same old shit.

•February 11, 2008 • 1 Comment

when will things ever change?  am i such a fool to believe that there’s still a chance? damn, this is what i get from reading too much novels with “and they lived happily ever after…” when i was younger.  when will i ever outgrow that?

geeshh…here i go again.  ranting. mumbling to myself.  i hate him for making me feel like this, but i hate myself more for still believing that there might still be a chance for us.  i know damn well that love isn’t enough but i just can’t seem to drag myself out of this mess.  yeah, mess that’s what i call it. what can you call a situation that never seems to improve?  rather it gets worse! 

am i too demanding?  all i ever wanted is to be appreciated and be given the security like everybody else needs.  if i feel secure, i am very sure i won’t be such a “nag” every now and then.  i just don’t want to be the last to know about the things that happens or that will be happening to him.  i thought it’s hard to have another woman as a rival…but i guess having his friends and other priorities more important than you is harder.  i just can’t seem to understand why am i not enough for him to happy?  why does he need to be with somebody else (friends) plus me so he’ll enjoy a gimmick or an out-of-town trip?  when would he realize that it would also be nice if we can get to spend some time alone somewhere else.  am i really not enough?

i know i can  be intimidating at times…some male friends of mine would tell me that i’m independent and strong-willed.  and that unlike the other females out there, i have a good career ahead of me (this i strongly doubt)…i have my own money to spend on things i want and that i don’t need someone else to buy stuffs for me.  but you know, i may be strong or independent as i may seem to be…but i am just like the other women out there who longs to be appreciated and cherished.  i also want to be serenaded, taken out to romantic candlelight dinners and be surprised by out-of-town trips.  i am still a girl after all.

but though i want those things, i don’t demand it…all i want is to be heard, understood and taken into consideration before deciding about some things most esp if it would concern our future.  or maybe he doesn’t see me in his future, hence his actions. 😦

oh well…here i am again, complaining about things that i know can be resolved…but never had the guts to do so.

so tanga of me.

on love and compatibility…

•February 4, 2008 • Leave a Comment

if you are to choose…what it’s gonna be? Love or Compatibility?

let’s say you are planning to get married with somebody you really, really love…but not compatible with. are you going to push thru with the plans or just forget it? or wait until you become compatible. they say love shouldn’t be complicated…as long as you love each other, that’s it. but reality sucks (errr, bites) and most of the time, couples separate because they are not compatible and that no matter how hard they try to work on it…they just couldn’t.

what’s worse than having different goals in life and different plans on reaching those goals? or what’s more difficult than finally giving up on someone you love just because you don’t see any reasons of staying together aside from the undeniable fact that yep, you love each other. but you have different POVs, plans, goals and priorities. i know that if you love somebody, you would need to sacrifice…but what if it’s been always you who has been sacrificing all these time? and that for now, all you ever wanted is to feel that you are important, appreciated and cherished.

somebody once made up her mind to leave everything behind and despite being in-doubt, she made a decision to be with the man she loves. she knows that she still has to prove something to herself, to her family but deciding to be with him would mean letting go of those things. besides, she is to have her own family soon and that would be her top priority. but he left her…amidst of confusion, misery and hurt. she learned that no matter what, a person must not lose himself/herself to somebody…that a person should not give everything, so she can have a little left if everything else fail.

but because of love, they found each other again…but this time, despite the difficulty, she tries to reserve some for herself and for those that she knew would never leave her, like the family she almost gave up on. and now, it’s time to decide once again…would you take it against her if this time she’ll have second thoughts? will this time be different? at the rate of how things are going, everything else seem the same…messed up priorities, lack of appropriate planning and worse, there is still the feeling of being unsecured.

they try to compromise, but it seems that no matter how hard they would try…their plans just don’t seem to meet. what are they to do now? are they to just turn their backs from each other and leave?

tell me.

a masochist or just plain stupid?

•February 1, 2008 • Leave a Comment

here i am again, ranting about the same things over and over again.  sometimes i do wonder whether i am fond of getting hurt, emotionally or physically (masochist) or i am just plain stupid?

most of the time, if not all the time, people tend to abuse me.  not in a sexual way, of course, but you know how people would somehow take advantage of other people just to get what they want and then once they got it, it’s buh-bye for you.  well, until the time they would need you again.

it’s just hard to accept the fact that there are people who would take advantage of other people’s hmm..kindness?  (or stupidity)  i know that there should be a certain limit as to how much you would be willing to give, but the hardest thing for me is i can’t seem to make myself do that.  i’ll get angry once i realize they are using me, but i just can’t seem to get enough of these for i still continue to trust and give them what they need from me or at least help them in any way i can.

sometimes, i wish my heart can be as hard as stone…or just be numb.  that no matter how they try, i wouldn’t give a damn because i am so damn tired of people using and abusing me in every way they can.  i do have feelings too…i might be smiling most of the time, laughing, cracking jokes but i get hurt too…but unlike other people, i don’t hold grudges against those who have hurt me.  yeah, i get easily angry at times but after some time, i would even be the one to approach and talk first.  so i guess, that is why they don’t take me that seriously.

(sighs)