real friend or not?

sometimes don’t you just wonder if somebody who claims to be your friend is a real friend?  but in reality, they do a lot of talking behind your back. 

you depend on them when you feel so down, but you’ve no idea that they are exactly the same people who pull you down.  they would act as if they are trying to lift up your spirits…but when you are not around, they would tell other people how stupid and idiot you are.

you forgive them when they do you bad things…but they are the ones who hold grudges against you.  you think they agree with you, but the fact is, they laugh at you for having such ideas and opinions. 

why are there people like them?  if they don’t like you in the first place, why be friends with you?

this i’ve been asking myself for quite some time now…until i remember the saying “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”

hmmm…

same old..same old shit.

when will things ever change?  am i such a fool to believe that there’s still a chance? damn, this is what i get from reading too much novels with “and they lived happily ever after…” when i was younger.  when will i ever outgrow that?

geeshh…here i go again.  ranting. mumbling to myself.  i hate him for making me feel like this, but i hate myself more for still believing that there might still be a chance for us.  i know damn well that love isn’t enough but i just can’t seem to drag myself out of this mess.  yeah, mess that’s what i call it. what can you call a situation that never seems to improve?  rather it gets worse! 

am i too demanding?  all i ever wanted is to be appreciated and be given the security like everybody else needs.  if i feel secure, i am very sure i won’t be such a “nag” every now and then.  i just don’t want to be the last to know about the things that happens or that will be happening to him.  i thought it’s hard to have another woman as a rival…but i guess having his friends and other priorities more important than you is harder.  i just can’t seem to understand why am i not enough for him to happy?  why does he need to be with somebody else (friends) plus me so he’ll enjoy a gimmick or an out-of-town trip?  when would he realize that it would also be nice if we can get to spend some time alone somewhere else.  am i really not enough?

i know i can  be intimidating at times…some male friends of mine would tell me that i’m independent and strong-willed.  and that unlike the other females out there, i have a good career ahead of me (this i strongly doubt)…i have my own money to spend on things i want and that i don’t need someone else to buy stuffs for me.  but you know, i may be strong or independent as i may seem to be…but i am just like the other women out there who longs to be appreciated and cherished.  i also want to be serenaded, taken out to romantic candlelight dinners and be surprised by out-of-town trips.  i am still a girl after all.

but though i want those things, i don’t demand it…all i want is to be heard, understood and taken into consideration before deciding about some things most esp if it would concern our future.  or maybe he doesn’t see me in his future, hence his actions.

oh well…here i am again, complaining about things that i know can be resolved…but never had the guts to do so.

so tanga of me.

on love and compatibility…

if you are to choose…what it’s gonna be? Love or Compatibility?

let’s say you are planning to get married with somebody you really, really love…but not compatible with. are you going to push thru with the plans or just forget it? or wait until you become compatible. they say love shouldn’t be complicated…as long as you love each other, that’s it. but reality sucks (errr, bites) and most of the time, couples separate because they are not compatible and that no matter how hard they try to work on it…they just couldn’t.

what’s worse than having different goals in life and different plans on reaching those goals? or what’s more difficult than finally giving up on someone you love just because you don’t see any reasons of staying together aside from the undeniable fact that yep, you love each other. but you have different POVs, plans, goals and priorities. i know that if you love somebody, you would need to sacrifice…but what if it’s been always you who has been sacrificing all these time? and that for now, all you ever wanted is to feel that you are important, appreciated and cherished.

somebody once made up her mind to leave everything behind and despite being in-doubt, she made a decision to be with the man she loves. she knows that she still has to prove something to herself, to her family but deciding to be with him would mean letting go of those things. besides, she is to have her own family soon and that would be her top priority. but he left her…amidst of confusion, misery and hurt. she learned that no matter what, a person must not lose himself/herself to somebody…that a person should not give everything, so she can have a little left if everything else fail.

but because of love, they found each other again…but this time, despite the difficulty, she tries to reserve some for herself and for those that she knew would never leave her, like the family she almost gave up on. and now, it’s time to decide once again…would you take it against her if this time she’ll have second thoughts? will this time be different? at the rate of how things are going, everything else seem the same…messed up priorities, lack of appropriate planning and worse, there is still the feeling of being unsecured.

they try to compromise, but it seems that no matter how hard they would try…their plans just don’t seem to meet. what are they to do now? are they to just turn their backs from each other and leave?

tell me.

a masochist or just plain stupid?

here i am again, ranting about the same things over and over again.  sometimes i do wonder whether i am fond of getting hurt, emotionally or physically (masochist) or i am just plain stupid?

most of the time, if not all the time, people tend to abuse me.  not in a sexual way, of course, but you know how people would somehow take advantage of other people just to get what they want and then once they got it, it’s buh-bye for you.  well, until the time they would need you again.

it’s just hard to accept the fact that there are people who would take advantage of other people’s hmm..kindness?  (or stupidity)  i know that there should be a certain limit as to how much you would be willing to give, but the hardest thing for me is i can’t seem to make myself do that.  i’ll get angry once i realize they are using me, but i just can’t seem to get enough of these for i still continue to trust and give them what they need from me or at least help them in any way i can.

sometimes, i wish my heart can be as hard as stone…or just be numb.  that no matter how they try, i wouldn’t give a damn because i am so damn tired of people using and abusing me in every way they can.  i do have feelings too…i might be smiling most of the time, laughing, cracking jokes but i get hurt too…but unlike other people, i don’t hold grudges against those who have hurt me.  yeah, i get easily angry at times but after some time, i would even be the one to approach and talk first.  so i guess, that is why they don’t take me that seriously.

(sighs)

lemme get outta here…

woooo-saaaahh!

sometimes i do wish i can just walk away from all these things which cause me too much stress and frustration that i just wanna strangle someone else’s neck!  grrr…

don’t you just hate it when you try so hard to make things work or do your best on something that you do but you still end up not being appreciated and worse, people oftentimes get this f**ked up idea that you are trying to be a “star” when in fact you are actually doing everybody else a favor by being that sole person to collate information from a lot of people just to make things easier for them.  the least thing that they could do is, well…give a confirmation that what you’ve said or written are correct instead of letting you in on a surprise that tadaaahhh…”we never made use of what you’ve sent to us, silly!” 

so tell me, just what the hell am i here for?  if i am stupid like what you think,  then lemme outta here! i can’t keep up with people trying to outsmart one another while pushing other people down. 

grrrr….i so hate all of you.  (not you guys who are reading my posts)  good thing i am not in the same place where you are or else, i might have been convicted with murder already.

damn…i wanna kick your ass!

Nine words women use…

1.) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up..

2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine .

4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.) That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you’re welcome.

8.) Whatever: Is a women’s way of saying F*** YOU!

9.) Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ For the woman’s response refer to #3.

– Ladies, are these true? hahahaha

schizo attack…

anyways, i’m getting kinda emo right now. not really sad but hmm..kinda confused? or probably disappointed on some things that have been happening lately. actually, i think it’s more of being confused and scared. it’s because things are again starting to be well between me and you-know-who and i’m just scared that it will just again end up on nothing. yeah, i know that i shouldn’t be that pessimistic but you guys (or most of you who really know me) know what i’ve or what we’ve been through. it’s just that i’m beginning to really discover that just when you are feeling that you’re on top of the world, being happy and all, the next thing you’ll know is everything else starts to break into pieces and you’ll end up disappointed, frustrated and hurt. kaya nga minsan, i get scared when i get too happy for sometimes, i would get to think of what’s going to happen next. baka masaya ako ngayon later sobrang depressed na naman ako. so now, i’m kinda like on that situation.

but i am trying to enjoy the moment…i know that the only thing that’s permanent in this world is change and that we’ll never really know what would happen next so the best thing that we could do is to make the most out of every chance we get to be happy. stop worrying about tomorrow and just enjoy what today has to offer.

‘easier said than done, i know. but i’m trying hard to do it…besides, i should still be thankful for everything that happens to me right? everything happens for a reason…it only depends on how we are going to take it. besides, He will never give us trials that we cannot survive.

so smile jhengky…life’s still beautiful!

am i ready to take the chance again?

i just heard the song “Ready to take the chance again” by Marry Manilow one night on my way to work.  i was “silently” singing the song (i don’t want sharp looks from the cab driver, no!) when i’ve realized or rather asked myself “am i ready to take the chance again?”

the question lingered on my mind the whole night but i just shrugged it off.  like i’ve said before, i would stop worrying about things i have no control of.   it might not be a good thing, but at this point, i just wanna stop looking forward and planning about certain things in my life.  “Come what may” is what i usually say nowadays.  I was such a worry-wart about life, work, money, etc before…i’m still like that but when it comes to planning my life – as in planning of having my own life (family) i decided to just let destiny or whatever you can call it take me wherever…whenever.  (hmm, shakira..is that you?)

for so long, i’ve been trying to divert people’s attention to something else when they would start asking me about it.  sometimes, if it really starts to annoy me…i just say it right to their face “mind your own business/life or whatever…stop asking me those questions, for the simple reason that i don’t know what answers to give you.” talk about pressure…from friends, and worse, from my family.  “jheng, when are you getting married?  you’re not getting any younger…you should start worrying on how to get pregnant na..”  damn…anu ba, kayo mag-anak or magpakasal..why the hell do you need to force it on me?

but what if…one day, “that” person asked you to do it all over again? i mean, start all over again and plan on having a family of your own…like what you ought to do more than a year ago but then he decided to call it quits and just forget all about it.   yeah, you still love that person so much…and you know that he loves you too (as to how much, that you can never really be sure of) but the idea of “it” may happen again haunts you…or even scares you to death.  and just when you decided to “focus” on other areas of your life like family..or your career.  just what the hell are you going to do?

Believe it or not, i want to have my own family.  That’s all i’ve ever wanted.  I was ready to give up everything else before but i ended up being alone…hmm, not really alone.  but i ended up being with those people i almost gave up on.  and i told myself not to do it again…ever. 

but i know that when you decide to have a family of your own, they should be your first priority, right? i actually won’t have a problem with that.  but i dunno…i just don’t want to risk getting hurt again, losing myself and end up with nothing…AGAIN.

my new year’s resolutions…

hmmm…i’ve been trying to come up with a list every year like the others but i can honestly say that i haven’t been able to do most of them, well, if not all.

pathetic, if i may say.  and yeah, i am really pathetic when it comes to keeping promises i made to myself.   like when i would say “i will no longer be as trusting as before”  but i will still end up feeling like a trash when somebody had broken my trust.  i can’t seem to learn my lesson when it would involve other people. 

so this year, i will try to come up with a list that will only involve myself and just a tiny bit of involvement of other people if really needed.  lemme try:

1)  SAVE. SAVE. SAVE.  hmmm, i might have to delete this one because i can never say NO to somebody who would ask money or material things from me (take note: somebody means friends and family ONLY! heheh)  but this year, i really need to save because as of this writing, i have saved nothing!  but probably if i would sell all my abubots and makeups, i could come up with a hefty amount to open up a savings account. ehehee

2) STOP BEING A PROCRASTINATOR yep, i am sooo guilty of this.  i’d buy things like books that i would think i would like to read but most of the time, they will just end up somewhere collecting dust.  the good thing is, my sister is fond of reading…so most of the books i buy, she gets to read it first. 

3) THINK POSITIVE  uh-ohh…this one’s hard.  i’ve been such a pessimist all my life just so i won’t get disappointed when things don’t happen the way i expected them.  but i will try…i even bought my mom the famous book entitled “the secret” and i think i need to read it too (goodluck!)

4) DO WHAT YOU ENJOY THE MOST  and that would be…shopping!? hahaha..kiddin’  well, maybe a year or two ago i realized what i would be enjoying the most…and nope, it isn’t shopping but makeup!  kinda related i know. but this time, i need to make use of all those i’ve bought and probably make money out of it too.  If only i have the time and money, i could’ve enrolled in a makeup school and study makeup artistry.  But for now, practicing on myself would be a good alternative.  then probably in the near future i can enroll or who knows?  Like they say, practice makes perfect (yeah, i wish!)

5) DONT TAKE EVERYTHING SERIOUSLY  most especially when it comes to work.  do what you have to do then ignore them wehehe…last year, i can say was the most stressful year for me when it concerns work.  I am not complaining with the work load but the fact that you had to put up with your workmates’ “attitude”  most esp. “ehem”  anyways, this year…i would try to limit myself.  if i used to say yes to all tasks being assigned to me even though it is no longer within my job description, i will try to say No.   When it comes to other concerns,  i would try not to think and wallow too much in it.  I’ll try to shrug it off and move on with life.

6) GYM!  yeah…damn, i’ve been a member for almost a year now and i am sure that i’ve been wasting so much money because i was not attending often!  geesshh….i’ll stop my membership after i finished the 1-yr contract.   such a waste of money… and i know, it’s my fault as well. this could be the only way to de-stress myself and stay fit but what the hell have i been doing???

7)  BE ORGANIZED  with my stuffs and most of all, my life!  set priorities and goals…for god’s sake jhengky, grow up!

8)  HAVE FUN  stop being such a couch potato on weekends.  try to get a life dammit…go out with friends and have fun.  (but not every weekend ha)

9)  GAIN MORE FRIENDS  be active and do meet-ups with the people you meet online (not date!) most especially those from Girltalk.

10)  PRAY AND BE THANKFUL FOR EVERYTHING  this i am really guilty of.  i wanna be honest that most of the time that i pray would be the times that i would be asking for something.  From now on, i will pray everyday and be thankful for whatever that comes my way. Thy will be done…

11)  GIVE IMPORTANCE TO THOSE WHO REALLY LOVE AND CARES FOR YOU know who your real friends are and who truly stays by your side no matter what.  Stop being super nice to non-deserving people who only wants to get something from you but don’t be a snob either.  just know who are the real people from the “fakes.”

12) FOLLOW THIS LIST.  (hehehe)

the year that was…

i remember posting a blog entry on another blogsite with the same title a year ago.  i think that was the first day of 2007, right after our usual Media Noche and when everybody else was sleeping.  that was when i want to have a recap of all the things that happened to me on the year 2006.  mejo senti, since i bravely posted all the good things and even the bad or maybe worst things that happened to me that year.  and i intend to do it all again this time

hmm…so was the year 2007 been good to me?  let’s see..

- i just came out from a long time relationship that ended at the latter part of the year 2006 so i would say that the early part of 2007 was spent still trying to work things out between my ex-fiance and at the same time trying to accept the fact that it was indeed over.  (yeah, magulo…sometimes i’d be okay…sometimes not)

- january, with a lot of convincing from my BFF, i was able to travel to Cebu and experience the Sinulog. I was not really into travelling but she told me that having some time without him would be a great idea.  So to Cebu and Bohol we went.  Until now, i still can’t imagine how i was able to manage walking down the streets of Cebu while watching the sinulog festival na sobrang init ang araw…but it was fun! 

- came february, i’ve decided to move out of “our” place and live somewhere else.  yep, i waited four months before finally deciding on moving out.  but eventually, i’ve realized (actually, both of us did) that it would be the best for the both of us.

- i got involved with somebody…but eventually, it didn’t work out.  I dont really wanna expound on this topic, i don’t regret it though but i’ve realized that it wasnt really meant to be.

- i remained friends with my ex-fiance and we both agreed that we need time for ourselves.  this i had a hard time trying to sink in my little stupid brain. hehehe

- i dunno if my performance at work finally paid off or its just that they don’t want me to resign like everybody else in our team did, but i got a salary raise.  not bad na rin…but of course, it comes with a price.  Imagine, being the only tester for all the projects being done in the company? 

- i came to realize that those people i usually take for granted would be the same people that i’d be able to count on at times that i’ll just breakdown because of too much stress, frustration, loneliness, etc.  i was finally able to know who my real friends are and how important my family is to me.  i developed a stronger bond with my mom, it was like being a little child again who’s in need of guidance and attention.  sabi nga ng mom ko, i came back to being a baby but the good thing is, she was given a chance to take care of me unlike before because i grew up without her since she was working abroad back then.

- as expected, moving on from my relationship with my ex-fiance became harder that i imagined.  it was like being on a rollercoaster ride. 

- i’ve realized what i wanted to do:  and that is to be able to work abroad and help my family first before worrying on relationships.  yeah, i am not getting any younger but who am i to complain if this is indeed the life that was planned for me right?  i need to do a lot of thinking and exert a lot of effort to do what i most need to do and that is to love myself first.

- i was able to meet new friends from a message board, started to become active on other forums as well.  it may be mababaw for others but i was able to find new friends thru our common interest, which is makeup   and that really gave me the realization that aside from my current career, i also want to be a makeup artist.  or maybe i was just trying to find an excuse for my addiction for makeup? hehehe

- eventually, i became so stressed with work and to add to that, the continuous struggle to move on with my life.  i had difficulty sleeping that most of the time, i’ll just have 1-2 hrs of sleep a day.  i tried taking in different kinds of sleeping tabs just to help me sleep but nothing seemed to work.  i was like an addict trying to look out for new drugs to take.  i know it’s not good to depend on medicines, but i need it or else i’d die eventually or lose my job because i can hardly concentrate on my work and a little argument with my boss stresses me to death.  i had to see a doctor and finally, he gave me some medications to help me.  i don’t depend on it too much though…i don’t intend to be an addict in the first place.

- i dunno what’s with the latter part of the year, but it’s when i get more stressed and frustrated.  just before the holidays, we had to move out of our place and find a new one in one week’s time.  it was also the time when there were a lot of things to be done at work.  imagine getting out of the office at 5am and packing my stuffs and moving them out of the old place and moving them in to the new one?  for 1 week, i’ve been doing that and in no time i looked like a dead man walking with these horrible eyebags.  that was also the time that stress has taken its toll on me that one little bad thing that would happen to me would cause me to cry like a baby.  there was even a time that i’ve been worrying too much that i lost balance and dropped on both knees leaving me with bruises that you see on little kids but not on a 28-yr old stupid bitch!

- but as the old cliche goes “everything else will fall into place in time” i was able to overcome all the not so good things that happened to me during the past year.  there have been several instances as well when i really felt that God has been saving me from harm and from doing things that i will regret later on.  He made me realize that despite the things that have happened to me, i am still blessed and lucky for having people who continue to support and love me for who i am and not for who they wanted me to be.

to sum it up… i can say that the year that was became an eye-opener for me.  it helped me realize what are the things that are more important in life and to be thankful for everything that comes your way…be good or bad.  everything happens for a reason and I know that He knows what’s good for me and what’s not.  and unlike last year, 2007 ended with a blast since i’ve celebrated it with my family (as usual) but this time, it became more special since i was able to realize the importance of having these people around who really loves you no matter what.

so Happy New Year everyone!  May God continue to bless us all…