And you come to me on a summer breeze
Keep me warm in your love and then softly leave
And its me you need to show

How deep is your love
I really need to learn
cause were living in a world of fools
Breaking us down
When they all should let us be
We belong to you and me

I believe in you
You know the door to my very soul
Youre the light in my deepest darkest hour
Youre my saviour when I fall
And you may not think
I care for you
When you know down inside
That I really do
And its me you need to show

How deep is your love
I really need to learn
cause were living in a world of fools
Breaking us down
When they all should let us be
We belong to you and me
————————————-

have you ever found yourself in a relationship where you start wondering how much the other person loves you…or maybe asking the question “does he love me more than i love him?”  or “does he really love me at all?”

sometimes, we all come to a point when we would want to be re-assured of what they feel towards us.  as petty as it seems, girls tend to be more insecure when it comes to what the other party is feeling.  and this is simply because girls tend to give more…love more…and expect less, until well, they come to this certain point i’m talking about.

we often want to be told how much we are being loved…being missed and being wanted to be with.  some girls may look strong, secured and confident when it comes to their feelings.  but more often than not, these girls are exactly the ones who often need to be reminded that they are indeed special. 

no matter how long you are in a relationship, we all need to feel wanted, loved and cherished at all times.  yep, that’s how mushy we can be.  we may doubt when you would tell us what we wanted to hear…but believe me (well, coming from a girl’s POV)  we believe you.  we just tend not to show it.  but we are honestly grinning up to our ears.  we can never get enough of love, most especially if it’s from that one person we love and we consider special. 

some can even be so gullible that the words “i love you” will just melt their hearts and believe. and if that’s the case, these girls will be like slaves who are always on their toes for that guy’s every whim.  and it’s sad seeing these girls with their hearts being broken sooner or later.  it’s frustrating how some people would use LOVE to fool people.  i wonder if they have a heart that can be broken too.  or they just simply don’t take LOVE seriously.  and i pity those girls who would do everything…anything to have LOVE. 

to YOU…”how deep is your love?”

I’m afraid to fly

And i don’t know why

I’m jealous of the people who are not afraid to die

It’s just that I recall

Back when I was small

Someone promise that they’d catch me

But then they let me fall

And now I’m fallin

Fallin fast again

Why do I always take a fall

When I fall in love

You think by now i’ve learned

Play with fire

You’ll get burn

But fire can be oh so warm

And that’s why i return

Turn and walk away

That’s what i should do

My head says go and find the door

My heart says i found you

And now I’m fallin

Catch me if you can

Maybe this time I’ll have it all

When I fall in love

Loving someone…

I only got me to blame

help me i’m fallin fallin

Catch me if you can

Maybe this time i’ll have it all

Maybe i’ll make it after all

Maybe this time

I won’t fall

When I fall in love

Oh ohh

——————————

ouch!

how many of us, at one point in our lives, told ourselves that we’ll no longer fall for somebody (whom we can’t really have in the first place)? we tried so hard to guard our hearts and remind ourselves that this is just one of those days when all we wanted is to be adventurous, to say the least…or to try something different for a change. but the next thing we would know, is that we are falling so fast that we can hardly find something to hold on to and keep us from falling all the more. so fast that we’ll fall flat on our face, bruised…hurt and worst, alone.

some times you’d meet someone who’d promise not to leave you no matter what…no matter how complicated the situation is, somehow you’d believe in happy-ever-after endings. you’d believe there’s a chance…a fair chance no matter how unfair and confusing the situation is. sometimes you go blind to even see that you’re just merely wishful thinking…trying so damn hard to make yourself believe that there’s a chance for you to be finally happy…with that somebody who makes you more than happy…with that somebody who makes you feel alive.

and then reality strikes…remember the certain “high” you felt when you realize that special connection between the two of you? now, that “high” is directly proportional to how “low” you’d feel when you finally come to your senses and learn the hard way that some things are just not meant to be. or maybe they are…for a limited time only though.

so you think you’re one of those who guards their hearts with their dear life so they won’t get hurt in the end? i tell you…sometimes, those people are exactly the ones who get to have their hearts really broken. because no matter how hard they deny it…they easily fall in that trap some people call LOVE.

(sniff)

]]> http://iamsutil.wordpress.com/2008/06/02/59/feed/ 0 iamsutil http://iamsutil.wordpress.com/2008/05/30/another-addiction/ http://iamsutil.wordpress.com/2008/05/30/another-addiction/#comments Fri, 30 May 2008 02:12:56 +0000 iamsutil http://iamsutil.wordpress.com/?p=58 ]]> Rehab (Rihanna)

And I’ll never give myself to another the way I gave it to you
You don’t even recognize the ways you hurt me, do you?
It’s gonna take a miracle to bring me back
And you’re the one to blame
And now I feel like….oh!

You’re the reason why I’m thinking
I don’t wanna smoke on these cigarettes no more
I guess that’s what I get for wishful thinking
Should’ve never let you enter my door

Next time you wanna go on and leave
I should just let you go on and do it
‘Cause now I’m using like I bleed

It’s like I checked into rehab
And baby, you’re my disease
It’s like I checked into rehab
And baby, you’re my disease
I gotta check into rehab
‘Cause baby you’re my disease
I gotta check into rehab
‘Cause baby you’re my disease

Damn, ain’t it crazy when you’re loveswept (?)
You’d do anything for the one you love
‘Cause anytime that you needed me I’d be there
It’s like you were my favorite drug
The only problem is that you was using me
In a different way than I was using you
But now that I know it’s not meant to be
I gotta go, I gotta wean myself off of you

And I’ll never give myself to another the way I gave it to you
You don’t even recognize the ways you hurt me, do you?
It’s gonna take a miracle to bring me back
And you’re the one to blame
‘Cause now I feel like….oh!

You’re the reason why I’m thinking
I don’t wanna smoke on these cigarettes no more
I guess that’s what I get for wishful thinking
Should’ve never let you enter my door

Next time you wanna go on and leave
I should just let you go on and do it
‘Cause now I’m using like I bleed

It’s like I checked into rehab
And baby, you’re my disease
It’s like I checked into rehab
And baby, you’re my disease
I gotta check into rehab
‘Cause baby you’re my disease
I gotta check into rehab
‘Cause baby you’re my disease

Now ladies gimme that…

Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohohoh, oh, oh, ohh

Now gimme that…

Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohohoh, oh, oh, ohh

My ladies gimme that…

Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohohoh, oh, oh, ohh

Now gimme that…

Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohohoh, oh, oh, ohh

Oh! You’re the reason why I’m thinking
I don’t wanna smoke on these cigarettes no more
I guess that’s what I get for wishful thinking
Should’ve never let you enter my door

Next time you wanna go on and leave
I should just let you go on and do it
‘Cause now I’m using like I bleed

It’s like I checked into rehab
And baby, you’re my disease
It’s like I checked into rehab
And baby, you’re my disease
I gotta check into rehab
‘Cause baby you’re my disease
I gotta check into rehab
‘Cause baby you’re my disease

—————————————

tsk tsk…and i thought you only get addicted to stuffs like drugs, maybe food…clothes, or in my case, makeups?  LOL

so now, you’re on a rehab…huh!?  let’s see how far you can go without that latest addiction of yours.  told yah, take things slow or else you’d fall flat on your face.  i did say forget it…else you’ll just have your heart broken.  but being a hard-headed biatch that you are…you still went on with it.

(sighs)

now, what on earth are you going to do?  avoid? get rid? or just totally forget as if it didnt happen in the first place.  so, now you have an idea of what you’re getting yourself into.  i know it sucks when you are so into something you shouldn’t be into the first place. i know how hard it is to choose between doing something right and doing something you really want.  more often than not, the things we really want are those that we just can’t have.  i dunno why…is it because of the challenge we face when we try to pursue the things we want ,regardless if it’s right for us or not?  or is it simply because fate has played on us and made us want something that is rightfully ours in the first place but, well…somebody took it ahead of us?

i am not making any sense…and hmm..yeah…i better stop now. (smirks)

———————————-

(note: used him instead of her intentionally…)

ahhh…the complexities of forbidden love.  when i was younger, i never thought love can be complicated.  i thought all you need is somebody who would care and long for you and you, feeling the same towards that person.  i never did realize that sometimes, love can’t be just that simple. 

i once heard somebody say that she doesn’t want to fall in love (again) because it just makes things complicated.  dumbfounded…i asked her why.  she said that when you love, you tend to expect..demand and believe in promises. whereas when you don’t, you just take things as it is.  you go with the flow.  at the back of your mind, there’s this thinking “all these will soon fade, so don’t hold on to it…else, you’d get hurt.”

but is getting hurt part of being in love?  you won’t know what real happiness love brings if you don’t get hurt. but also, why get hurt when you are in love?  love is supposed to be a wonderful feeling…a feeling that gives you this certain “high” like you’re on top of the world. 

hmm..reality bites though.  nothing is perfect.  everything…as in everything would tend to mess up sooner or later.  whether you like it or not, you’d find yourself not in that “perfect” situation you found yourself before. 

and this brings me to this question…should “LOVE” just be taken so lightly, like my friend told me?  just live the moment, stop worrying and think that whatever your feeling will just pass…just like the feeling when you have a headache or when your gums are sore because your dentist put too much pressure on your braces the last time you visited for an adjustment?  damn, what the hell am i saying? 

i wish LOVE can be just as perfect as i’ve thought it to be.  i wish nobody gets hurt…i wish they just stay as happy as they are in the beginning.  and i wish their love…or whatever they have right now doesn’t hurt those people around them. 

i can just wish forever and not stop.  because i still believe in Love.  i got hurt so many times before..and well, still aching at times. but no matter what happens, i still believe that love is the most wonderful feeling of all. and for me, it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

err..yeah?

so, was that the end of the story?  NO. because if it is…then i won’t be writing about them now. (smirks)

some might be asking why bother writing about them.  well, being a hopeless romantic that i was…and i think, i still am…i believe in soulmates.  i always believe that there’s somebody out there who would be your match.  it may be not in this lifetime…but maybe in the next…or the next…whatever.  but i also believe….and still trying to believe that once you decide to get married to somebody, you would love that person no matter what. and that no other person could take that love away.  it’s like…when you get married, you’re “doomed” (sorry, lacking appropriate words here) to be with that person all your life.  i’ve seen a lot of starry-eyed couples who got married and led a very happy and fulfilling life….in the beginning, that is.  actually, i know one who i never thought would part ways eventually.  the reason?  third party.

for this entry, i just want to write about these situations.  married or committed couples finding somebody else outside their existing relationships.  some would say, the other man/girl is way better than their current (damn this excuse! agrrrr) and some would say that the other man/girl makes them feel special that their current beau no longer does to them.  who is to blame?  the couple? or the third party who knows in the first place what she’s/he’s getting into but still went thru it?

going back to the couple i personally know…i honestly blamed the guy for having an affair…hated him for not even thinking bout his kid.  but later on, i realized, both of them are at fault.  the girl, though already married, prioritized her parents than her new family.  and like we all know…”absence makes the heart look somewhere else,” cliche as it sounds..it is true. who would want somebody who would prefer to be somewhere else than be where you are? somebody who would make you feel less important?  or somebody who will make you beg just to make things work out between the two of you.

(thinks)

as for niknok, i’ve never seen him this happy before.  well, he is one jolly type of person…but being close to him, i would know if he’s frustrated about something…most especially if it concerns his relationship with her gf. but for weeks now, i haven’t seen him frown…or get lost in his thoughts.  he’s being so energetic..more like he’s been vitamins-overdosed or something.  seeing him like that makes me wish that he and pokwang would finally have their chance to be happier in what they have now.

but what about the people they would hurt eventually when they learn what’s going on?  i once asked niknok if he’s ready to give up on his gf…his answer was “i don’t know.” i asked him if he loves her still, got the same answer.  what the eff’s wrong with you, boy!?  but if i ask him if he loves pokwang..damn, he would sure answer fast!  i’d like to give him a beating some time for some reality check, but who am i to stop these two people who are in no doubt…in love.  are they really inlove? 

are they soulmates?  they seem to click well together.  i’ve been given a chance to be with this lovebirds once….and boy, they are inseparable.  more like glued to each other.  and i’m not talking bout some elmer’s glue type-of-glue here…locktite maybe? 

sometimes i see niknok smiling and trying to keep himself from laughing..alone. scary…freaky but funny, really.  don’t dare ask him why coz you’d be up for some storytelling bout pokwang.  sometimes its annoying…but most of the time i find myself feeling envious.  i envy them because after all these years, they still manage to find each other and have something they call LOVE. 

is it really love?  hmmm…let’s see.  geesh, i feel like a papparazzi on these lovestruck souls…the first time i heard about their story, i immediately judged it not to be LOVE but something else (uh-huh…you read my mind, yeah!)  but now…i am beginning to be confused myself.  maybe it is LOVE.  LOVE at the wrong time.  (damn, get me those lyrics!)

but i remember something that one “poker-faced guy” said…”in love, there’s no such thing as wrong timing…it’s just LOVE. period!”

okay, fine…

(rolls eyes)

note: sorry for the post title…im being a retard, can’t find the right title for this nonsense post.

but how come she feels happy just thinking about it?  it’s like drugs…addicting.  makes her feel high and happy…and forget about everything else. she knows it’s wrong…so wrong.  but she feels so damn right…and can even defend herself without batting an eyelash. 

stupid, hard-headed girl!

one time, i almost knock her head real hard so she’ll be back into reality.  but seeing her happy makes me wanna understand her.  seeing her giddy everyday makes me wanna let her be.  should i? 

i want to be a good friend…i want to make things right for her.  but how…seeing her happy makes me happy…

maybe i should stop worrying about it too much for now…or should i?

dang…

[Rihanna:]
As much as I love you
As much as I need you
And I can’t stand you
Must everything you do make me wanna smile
Can I not like you for awhile? (No….)

[Ne-Yo:]
But you won’t let me
You upset me girl
And then you kiss my lips
All of a sudden I forget (that I was upset)
Can’t remember what you did

[Rihanna:]
But I hate it…
You know exactly what to do
So that I can’t stay mad at you
For too long that’s wrong

[Ne-Yo:]
But I hate it…
You know exactly how to touch
So that I don’t want to fuss.. and fight no more
Said I despise that I adore you

[Rihanna:]
And I hate how much I love you boy (yeah…)
I can’t stand how much I need you (I need you…)
And I hate how much I love you boy (oh whoa..)
But I just can’t let you go
And I hate that I love you so (oooh..)

[Ne-Yo:]
You completely know the power that you have
The only one makes me laugh

[Rihanna:]
Said it’s not fair
How you take advantage of the fact
That I… love you beyond the reason why
And it just ain’t right

[Ne-Yo:]
And I hate how much I love you girl
I can’t stand how much I need you (yeah..)
And I hate how much I love you girl
But I just can’t let you go
But I hate that I love you so

[Both:]
One of these days maybe your magic won’t affect me
And your kiss won’t make me weak
But no one in this world knows me the way you know me
So you’ll probably always have a spell on me…

[Ne-Yo:]
Yeaahhh… Oohh…

[Rihanna:]
As much I love you (as much as I need you)
As much as I need you (oooh..)
As much I love you (oh..)
As much as I need you

[Rihanna:]
And I hate that I love you so
And I hate how much I love you boy
I can’t stand how much I need you (can’t stand how much I need you)
And I hate how much I love you boy
But I just can’t let you go (but I just can’t let you go no..)
And I hate that I love you so

And I hate that I love you so.. so…

——————————

uh-oh…a girl’s getting into trouble.  be warned, be careful…before you fall deeper.  and she asks how come something that is so wrong can feel so right. 

i dunno…and i’m not in the most appropriate position to know.

maybe just enjoy the moment?

heck…whatever!

as soon as i get home i switched on the TV and tuned in to HBO…heck, Music and Lyrics is being shown again. i remember seeing this on TV yesterday while i’m preparing to go back to Manila for work. so i sat in front of the tv, and watched the movie while eating breakfast.
i finished breakfast before the movie ended so i laid back and continued watching (yep, i lie down right after a meal..hehhe). so i was in the part where the movie’s about to end…specifically at the part where Alex (Hugh Grant) is singing a song he composed overnight for Sophie (Drew Barrymore). I love the song so much…and just the thought of a guy writing a song to his beloved brings tears to my eyes…and whoa, i indeed found myself teary-eyed…geesh, i am such a cry baby. maybe i just felt like being in Sophie’s shoes and the song really touched my heart.

DON’T WRITE ME OFF
It’s never been easy for me
To find words to go along, with a melody
But this time there’s actually something, on my mind
So please forgive these few brief awkward lines

Since I’ve met you, my whole life has changed
It’s not just my furniture, you’ve rearranged
I was living in the past, but somehow you’ve brought me back
And I haven’t felt like this since before Frankie said relax

And while I know, based on my track record
I might not seem like the safest bet
All I’m asking you,
is don’t write me off, just yet

For years I’ve been telling myself, the same old story
That I’m happy to live off my so called, former glories
But you’ve given me a reason, to take another chance
Now I need you, despite the fact, that you’ve killed all my plants
And though I know, I’ve already blown more chances
Than anyone should ever get
All I’m asking you, is don’t write me off, just yet
Don’t write me off just yet

i was laughing at myself after the song…i sat up and continued watching while finishing my cup of coffee. then the part where the song “Way back into Love” is being sung by Cora (sexy singer) and Alex. Again, i found myself teary-eyed…i tried so hard to stop myself from crying…i even felt my jaws getting numbed from trying to resist the urge, but well, what can i say…my tears just started falling. i felt like singing the song myself…felt like, i wrote each single word in the song. i dunno what’s happening to me but i can definitely relate with the song.

WAY BACK INTO LOVE

I’ve been living with a shadow overhead
I’ve been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I’ve been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past, I just can’t seem to move on

I’ve been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need them again someday
I’ve been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind

All I wanna do is find a way back into love
I can’t make it through without a way back into love
Oh oh oh

I’ve been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I’ve been searching but I just don’t see the signs
I know that it’s out there
There’s gotta be something for my soul somewhere

I’ve been looking for someone to shed some light
Not somebody just to get me through the night
I could use some direction
And I’m open to your suggestions

All I wanna do is find a way back into love
I can’t make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I’m hoping you’ll be there for me in the end

There are moments when I don’t know if it’s real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation

All I wanna do is find a way back into love
I can’t make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart to you I’m hoping you’ll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I’ll be there for you in the end

(sighs)

i must admit that somehow, i lost trust in LOVE. or should i say, i lost trust in myself when it comes to LOVE. I came to a point where i started asking myself if i really know how to LOVE because, each time i’d try to love, things get messed up…my life gets messed up. and in the end, i’ll be left with nothing but a wounded heart…more scarred than ever…more hurt than ever.

i even told myself to remember to stop once i feel i am beginning to love a person because i started to believe that love only complicates things. once you love, you expect…then you get hurt. i know one shouldnt expect, but we’re just humans…we dont expect much (well, in my case) but at least expect that we’d be loved back…or maybe appreciated and not being taken for granted. sometimes we tend to think that it is love that we’re feeling…only to find out that it’s not…maybe we get tired of waiting for love to come to us that we oftentimes end up just trying to convince ourselves that we are indeed in love. but we are not.

we are all waiting for true love to happen…or at least find us. like everybody else out there, we know we are capable of loving someone, but we aren’t given any fair chance to be loved back. i came to a point where i denied its existence…i locked my heart and threw the key away, but who am i try to fool here? At the back of my mind, i am still hoping for that someone to get the key and open up my heart again…and this time, try so hard not to break it but to hold it in his hands carefully…cherishing every moment with it and loving it with all his might.

(sighs)

what’s happening to me? i’m being too melodramatic these past few days that even a tv commercial can bring me to tears…LOL. pathetic, i know…maybe it’s because my birth month is getting near again…and you know what happens to people who gets a year older, sometimes they get too sensitive and dumb. hehheh

oh well…it’s just me. the silly, getting-old me getting schizo attacks every now and then.

(sighs)

(time to change to my other self)

so now, let’s talk about makeup…let’s go to my other blog then…hahhaha

 can somebody hit me on the head, really hard!?

this would always be her one-word question each time she’ll have her heart (or dignity) broken.  she would ask herself this over and over again trying to find an answer for why she’s being treated like trash by some people.

well…i can say that she’s one of a kind woman.  she has a career which pays her well, she can buy things she want for herself and for her family.  she’s great to be with, oftentimes misunderstood to be a snob but in reality she’s a good person inside-out.  she does have some flaws too but she tries so hard to make up for it. 

but how come she’d been meeting the wrong people most of the time?  oftentimes, she get’s abused and taken for granted by these people she trusts.  one flaw that she can’t really get rid of is her being so-trusting (or gullible perhaps might be a better word) that a little affection will make her knees melt and feel like she’s really liked, and worst, loved.

not too long ago, she met someone and right there and then, she knew that they are mutually attracted to each other, or perhaps that was just a make-believe.  later on, they had a chance to go out…he treated her well, he was sweet and very attentive to her needs.  he held her hands, kissed and hugged her.  the experience was like all new to her, not because she never had a boyfriend but because it’s been so long since she was treated like a princess.

so again, she trusted somebody. she trusted him…everything was like magic.  they clicked instantly…it was like they knew each other for so long that they are comfortable with each other right away.  she let go of her fears…her reservations…and again she thought that might be her chance to be happy again.

and again, she was wrong. after that night, it’s as if nothing special happened.  and now, she’s again broken…hurt…scared more than ever.  i told her why not ask herself what she’s been doing wrong…maybe she’s at fault too.  maybe she trusts people too much that she’s willing to give everything to somebody she just met.  i know she’s one person who deserves to be loved and treated like a queen, but it makes her weak.  it makes her believe anybody who treats her nice and yet dumps her like hot potato after.

she needs to respect and love herself first…that’s the only way she’ll get to know what she’s worth…so no one will ever take her for granted or abuse her again.

perhaps, that will  be the time that she’ll no longer be a “one-time” or “one-nighter” only type of girl.