am i ready to take the chance again?

i just heard the song “Ready to take the chance again” by Marry Manilow one night on my way to work.  i was “silently” singing the song (i don’t want sharp looks from the cab driver, no!) when i’ve realized or rather asked myself “am i ready to take the chance again?”

the question lingered on my mind the whole night but i just shrugged it off.  like i’ve said before, i would stop worrying about things i have no control of.   it might not be a good thing, but at this point, i just wanna stop looking forward and planning about certain things in my life.  “Come what may” is what i usually say nowadays.  I was such a worry-wart about life, work, money, etc before…i’m still like that but when it comes to planning my life – as in planning of having my own life (family) i decided to just let destiny or whatever you can call it take me wherever…whenever.  (hmm, shakira..is that you?)

for so long, i’ve been trying to divert people’s attention to something else when they would start asking me about it.  sometimes, if it really starts to annoy me…i just say it right to their face “mind your own business/life or whatever…stop asking me those questions, for the simple reason that i don’t know what answers to give you.” talk about pressure…from friends, and worse, from my family.  “jheng, when are you getting married?  you’re not getting any younger…you should start worrying on how to get pregnant na..”  damn…anu ba, kayo mag-anak or magpakasal..why the hell do you need to force it on me?

but what if…one day, “that” person asked you to do it all over again? i mean, start all over again and plan on having a family of your own…like what you ought to do more than a year ago but then he decided to call it quits and just forget all about it.   yeah, you still love that person so much…and you know that he loves you too (as to how much, that you can never really be sure of) but the idea of “it” may happen again haunts you…or even scares you to death.  and just when you decided to “focus” on other areas of your life like family..or your career.  just what the hell are you going to do?

Believe it or not, i want to have my own family.  That’s all i’ve ever wanted.  I was ready to give up everything else before but i ended up being alone…hmm, not really alone.  but i ended up being with those people i almost gave up on.  and i told myself not to do it again…ever. 

but i know that when you decide to have a family of your own, they should be your first priority, right? i actually won’t have a problem with that.  but i dunno…i just don’t want to risk getting hurt again, losing myself and end up with nothing…AGAIN.

~ by iamsutil on January 14, 2008.